As an elder millennial, I entered the workforce full of energy, excitement, and eagerness to be the best marketer I could be. Social media was the new tool to promote business at the time, and I was an early adopter. I would excitedly tell everyone around me to jump on the bandwagon. "You should have a MySpace page!" I would tell everyone. MySpace, LOL. Yeah, I'm old. However, I was new to navigating business relationships and when it came to my colleagues' responses, I was often met with criticism, contempt, and, in some cases, stonewalling. The technology was so new that IT departments would deny access to those sites and lob ludicrous criticism about business system security. Leaders would scoff at the idea that Facebook would ever become a place where people go for information. Web developers would flat-out deny the impact social had on SEO. As a young professional, I didn’t handle this reaction well. I knew I was right, but instead of getting curious, I would get defensive. I still struggle with this from time to time.
I was experiencing what I'll call "The Four Henchmen of Business Relationships." Borrowing the work of Drs. John and Judy Gottman, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are behaviors they have studied extensively within relationships—specifically romantic relationships. When I learned of the Gottmans' research, I realized that these principles apply to business relationships. It has become my goal to recognize and employ healing tactics to help business relationships grow and remove toxic behavior from the workplace.
In the business world, the dynamics of workplace relationships significantly impact productivity, employee satisfaction, and overall company success. Like personal relationships, recognizing and addressing the Four Henchmen—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—is crucial for maintaining a healthy and productive work environment. Here’s how you can tackle each one:
Definition: Criticism involves attacking someone's character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue.
Workplace Example: A manager says, "You're always missing deadlines because you're lazy," instead of, "I've noticed you've missed the last few deadlines; can we discuss what's been going on?"
Impact: Criticism leads to a culture of blame and negativity. It can demoralize employees, decrease motivation, and result in high turnover rates.
Antidote: Use constructive feedback. Focus on specific behaviors and outcomes rather than personal attributes. For instance, say, "I've noticed the deadlines are being missed. Let's find a way to improve the workflow and support you better."
Definition: Contempt is an expression of superiority that comes out as sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor.
Workplace Example: An employee responds to a colleague's suggestion with, "Oh, that's a brilliant idea if we want to fail miserably," accompanied by an eye roll.
Impact: Contempt breeds hostility and disrespect. It erodes team cohesion, fosters resentment, and can lead to a toxic work environment.
Antidote: Cultivate a culture of respect and appreciation. Encourage team members to express gratitude and acknowledge each other's contributions genuinely. Promote active listening and empathy in all interactions.
Definition: Defensiveness involves self-protection through righteous indignation, playing the victim, or overly justifying their actions or words. It's a way of deflecting perceived criticism or not taking responsibility.
Workplace Example: When confronted about a mistake, an employee responds, "It's not my fault; no one gave me clear instructions," rather than addressing the issue constructively.
Impact: Defensiveness prevents problem-solving and accountability. It can lead to unresolved conflicts and a lack of progress in projects and initiatives.
Antidote: Encourage a culture of accountability and open communication. Teach employees to take responsibility for their actions and focus on solutions rather than assigning blame. Promote a growth mindset where mistakes are seen as opportunities for learning.
Definition: Stonewalling involves withdrawing from a conversation or interaction and refusing to engage or communicate.
Workplace Example: During a critical meeting, a team member shuts down, stops responding, and avoids eye contact, effectively withdrawing from the discussion.
Impact: Stonewalling can halt collaboration and decision-making processes. It creates an environment of isolation and frustration, as team members feel unheard and unsupported
Antidote: Foster an open and inclusive communication culture. Encourage regular check-ins and create a safe space for team members to express concerns and ideas. Promote active engagement and ensure everyone has a voice in discussions.
To counteract the Four Henchmen in your workplace, consider the following steps:
Training and Development: Offer training sessions focused on effective communication, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence.
Clear Communication Channels: Establish and maintain clear channels for feedback and dialogue at all levels of the organization.
Leadership Example: Encourage leaders to model respectful and constructive behavior, setting the tone for the rest of the team.
Regular Feedback: Implement regular feedback mechanisms to address issues before they escalate and to recognize positive behaviors.
By addressing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling in business relationships, organizations can create a more collaborative, respectful, and productive work environment.
To further support the development of healthy workplace dynamics, we're excited to introduce "The Four Henchmen of Business Relationships" digital download. This product is designed for managers, HR, and business leaders to use as a personal guide or as a poster to place in key office locations. It provides practical strategies and reminders to help your team recognize and overcome these detrimental behaviors, fostering a positive and productive work environment.
By implementing these strategies and utilizing our digital guide, you can actively work towards eliminating toxic behaviors and building a more cohesive and effective team.
